going "home"

I find it very interesting that 2 people in the same car can have two entirely different reactions to a road sign...

As we were driving "home" this weekend, my son and I were each in our own little worlds...he had his headphones on listening to "his" music and I had my radio blaring attempting to listen to mine over his....it is a wonder the child can hear....LOL The closer we got to good ol St. Mary's County the tighter the vice grip around my chest got. What was I thinking? Why was I going back there? Oh yeah...if I wanted to get my car legally on the road I HAD to go there...goodness knows my sister was never going to do what she needed to do because it isn't important to HER.

So there I found myself driving down 234 and wishing I could just turn around and go back home...to my real home...not the home I grew up in. They say home is where the heart is...well my heart has not been there in over 2 years....and even less so since my mother died in October. I was dreading setting foot in that house....of looking in that corner for the first time since I got back...of not seeing her there....it was so hard. I know I need to get over it and move on. That is much easier said than done. As we passed the sign that reads "St. Mary's County Line" the vice got even tighter and my son got so excited. He looked at me and said "Mom, we are home. I don't care where I ever go, this will always be home." I wish I could have been more excited with him. I just wanted to run.

I wanted to run from the place that has caused me so much heartache and pain over the years. From the place where I grew up knowing that I was different. From the place where I could never do anything right. From the place that Angela and I lived and my heart was totally irreversably destroyed almost 3 years ago. From the place where I finally started to grow up last year. From the place where both of my parents died. And from the place where I first made love to her.

What a load of running I wanted to do....but I didn't run...I kept on driving. I knew I had to face all of this head on...no matter how hard it might be.

I called my little sister on the way there to let her know approximately what time we would arrive. She said, "Oh, you're coming over tonight? Well tonight is my night at Penny and George's. I won't be home. You can come over before 11 tomorrow morning if you want."

Welcome Home. I should have known that just because I had called her earlier in the week to let her know for sure that I would be there this weekend that things would be any different. Why don't I ever learn? Will I ever learn?

It hit me then...I had nowhere to go....Jackie was at work...I was dropping Ryan off with some friends because he had a huge weekend planned with all of his friends. I was alone.

I am alone.
I have noone.

and that was just the beginning...

this weekend was the loneliest weekend of my life....

sometimes I really want to just give up....and this weekend was one of those times....still do....