Wow!

I don't know how I did it but I got a 98% on my final exam for 2D Design. Amazing...simply amazing....and so exciting considering how much I struggled to stay focused during the exam and was the very last person in the class to complete it...a good 30 minutes after everyone else....even held up the instructor's lecture I was so slow...but...I DID IT!!

Sure as heck made me feel better about some things...lifted my spirits for the night...so much so that I couldn't sleep for anything...it was nearly 5 am before I finally fell asleep....

I have a busy night ahead of me trying to finish my final project or at least getting close to finishing it....

but first...I have been thinking...what else is new it seems that is all I ever do....

anyway...I have been trying to figure out why it is that since I went off my meds things have been so much different than they ever were before in my life...

I never had manic episodes that were so severe and lasted so long....or that affected me the way it has this time...

I am wondering if perhaps the reason I have been able to be so open and have been so introspective and able to talk things out so easily is...because my mom died....

It is like I am no longer afraid....not in a physical sense....but an emotional sense....

I was raised to not talk about anything outside of the house...do never discuss anything that went on at home and was discouraged to show real emotion...of course then again I was always moody and considered a hypochondriac and chastised for showing anger or hurt...

If I were to be honest...yes at times when I was younger I would say I was sick or something in order to get attention...because when I was really sick my mom was always so loving and took care of me and just plain paid attention to me....

When my mom was sick and I was taking care of her I realised that she did the best she could by my sisters and me....because it was all she knew....I learned a lot about how life was for her growing up...and how detached her family and my fathers families really were....and as time went by the last 9 months of her life I learned to love and accept her for who she was....and tried to understand why she was the way she was when we were growing up.

I find it rather ironic that I never allowed myself to admit there was something seriously wrong with me until after she died....I disagreed with everyone who ever told me they thought I was manic depressive....my sister in the last year must have told me that about a hundred times before I had my total meltdown and gained the courage to check myself into the hospital....

It was like I finally felt free to say what was on my mind...although I still don't do that most of the time...but I am learning...but it is also like it was finally okay to do that...my mom couldn't be hurt by what I had to say anymore and I really think she is the reason I gained the courage to get help....when it gets really bad sometimes I can feel her...I don't know how to explain it...but it is like she is rooting me on...letting me know that everything is going to be okay....

It is like she is finally free herself and doesn't want me to be like she was all her life if that makes any sense.....

Before I always had really severe depressive episodes....this time the manic is more severe...could it be because I HAVE grown so much in recent months?

I don't know...not sure I ever will....