i miss me....

i miss me so much right now....

that taste of living life seems to be swiftly becoming a distant memory...

I am so close to crashing right now and it scares me....one minute I am bouncing off the walls...the next I am thinking too much and bawling so hard i can't stand it...as long as i have something to distract me i am okay....

well something besides schoolwork...because for some reason i can't motivate myself to do the work...my final exam for this class is tomorrow night...oh wait...make that tonight...and right now all i can think about is skipping school entirely...i won't though...i can't afford to....

i am still obsessing over "her"...i need to let go of this pain...this knowledge....that not only is the relationship over...but the friendship as well...and it is all because i don't know how to keep my damn mouth shut....i have to push and push and push for answers...some way of understanding what i did wrong....

i don't understand how one night we...yes we...because she felt it too...i know this not only because i felt it...but because she told me she felt it too...one night we could share the most beautiful blending of minds, bodies, spirits....and souls....and two days later...she breaks up with me so that she won't feel guilty "swinging"....

i don't understand how for 3 days we could both be miserable and then her husband sends me an email asking me to give her another chance because we are both miserable and he hates to see us hurting so....i agreed to do so....am i nuts???...well it didn't last....obviously....i would have done anything for her...i never once asked her to leave her husband or change her lifestyle.... and didn't want her to...i loved him too as an extension of her...he was a part of her...i knew about her lifestyle going in and knew i would have to deal with however it would affect me when the time would come that she would be with another woman....as it was i already knew it had happened....and dealt with it on my own...

i don't understand how she could so easily turn off her feelings...push me away....we were supposed to be friends first....we discussed it in detail before anything ever happened that no matter what we would always be friends and if something should happen and things didn't work out we would remain honest with each other and help each other through it...making sure not to lose the friendship....

i didn't just lose a lover....i lost my best friend....the one person i ever fully confided in....the one who convinced me that i could trust her...convinced me to let her in....do i regret letting her in? do i regret trusting her? NO....because no matter what I have never loved anyone like i do her....i have never felt so alive just being in someone else's presence as i did when i was with her....

will i ever love again....i honestly don't know...i am not so sure i want to....because it hurts too damn much....

and all of that is just part of what is going through this mind of mine....

i feel like i am losing my mind....

i thought of suicide today....more than once....and it got so far as a plan....and somehow...some way...i snapped myself out of it.....i have no idea how i did that...no recollection...all i know is i did....and i am hoping beyond hope that if it happens again i will be able to do the same....

i am so on edge all the time right now....so angry....it is like this huge dark force inside me is just screaming to get out....scratching, clawing, tearing me apart from the inside....so violent....so evil...God i pray that things even out soon....

i miss me....
i miss the me i was becoming...
i was actually beginning to like me for once...
i actually felt okay being around me....
right now i wish I could ignore me...avoid me...
extinguish me....
at least this part of me that isn't me...
is it?