on having bipolar disorder....

funny...all my life i knew i was different...in very many ways....

i am an extremely emotional person...my emotions tend to rule every aspect of my life and always have....however...i wasn't diagnosed until October of last year...and was only properly diagnosed because i had a total meltdown after the death of my mother.

i am fortunate in that i have never really had a full-blown manic episode where i completely and totally lose my mind...most of my mania has fallen into the category of moderate mania and therefore i have always been able to function fully for the most part.

my depressive episodes however are an entirely different matter...

i have attempted suicide on 3 different occassions...and at the time i was upset that i hadn't succeeded....but now i look back and am thankful i ddn't...

I am NOT bipolar...I have bipolar disorder...I am not the illness....the illness only affects me and my life experiences....

How do I feel about having this illness?

at times...i hate it....especially when I am unable to focus or concentrate because my mind is racing so bad that i lose track of what i am doing/thinking/saying.....

i have been thinking about this question quite a bit lately...because i was recently taken of my meds for a short period of time and for the first time in my life came to realise the importance and signifigance of staying on my meds....and in therapy....in the past i would take myself off whatever medication a doctor would prescribe for my depression as soon as i started to feel better thinking that it was gone and i could handle whatever came my way....i hate taking medication...not to mention i am very good at forgetting to take medication...

Once I was properly diagnosed and placed on the correct medication a whole new world gradually began to unfold for me...i noticed so many things i had never noticed before...all of my senses seemed to have heightened (mind you going off my meds recently helped me to become even more aware of this little tidbit)...i started to really feel what it is like to be alive....

If someone had asked me that question even a couple of months ago I would have quickly replied...i hate it...why me....why can't i be normal....

I still wish i was normal...but i also very much appreciate certain aspects of my illness....

I have been to the darkest, lowest, deafeningly silent places imaginable in my life...i have injured myself on purpose in order to feel something other than dead inside...i have tried to take my own life....

yet i survived....and i never want to go back there again...

and now...i know...that no matter how truly awful something may feel...it is only temporary...things could most certainly be worse...and they have been...

is my depression gone? most definitely not...it never will be...and i am learning to cope with it in positive ways rather than self-destructive ways....it will remain a part of who i am for as long as I am alive...but by taking my meds, sticking with therapy, and appreciating it for what it is...a part of who I am...i hope to never feel it so strong ever again....

i am beginning to consider myself fortunate in the fact that i have this illness because i have a much deeper appreciation of life. i see things in color now and not black and white...

everything is brighter...more open...hopeful....

not...

dark...deafening...desolate....or hopeless....

I actually feel free.....