title? hmmmm? no clue...just thoughts

I was in chat on another site tonight...the site she brought me to...and she came in...and I wasn't sure what to do...made others uncomfortable and i feel like a jerk for that...the others dwindled away and it was down to just her...and me...we discussed my leaving the board...her commenting on the fact that i haven't left yet after saying i was and about me posting so much on the board today....me defending myself and explaining that i was posting in the journals of those who have supported me since joining before i leave most likely for good as of tomorrow....it is my last weekend for at least 5 weeks where i will not be swamped with schoolwork and other stressors....she offered to leave stating that i need the support of the site more than she does...she said that she doesn't have a special woman in her life and that her bisexuality will be put on hold for a year and a half anyway so maybe she should leave....I told her that she needs the support more than I do...and it is true...she is a mess....and i am worried sick about her....and i let her know i am worried about her safety...but there is nothing i can do if she doesn't want my help...and she doesn't....

I ended up talking to her on the phone....she finally opened up to me a bit but is still pushing me away...and I could tell by her voice that she is going to continue to do so....but...before i got off the phone i let my feelings be known loud and clear that i will not give up on her...i will not turn my back on her...friends do not give up on friends no matter what....i let her know that i am fine with other aspects of our friendship being over...it is losing her friendship that hurts....i let her know in no uncertain terms that she is pushing away someone who is willing to do anything to help her through all that she is going through and she has A LOT on her plate....

I am worried about her...but i can't sit here and wait for her to let me be her friend...my decision has been made for a few days now although i don't know how well i will do staying away...i have made so many friends on that site and have enjoyed getting to know them all....and have already started missing them....not to mention i love sharing my accomplishments with them...because they all accept me for me...as is...with all my neurosis intact...i don't know how long i will be able to stay away...for now i am going to concentrate on school...my work....my son....and myself...

Speaking of school...i am a nervous wreck!!!!!!! On Monday I start back with a full course load...yes it is only two courses...but there is so much learning crammed into such a short period of time...and my brain hasn't exactly been focused much at all lately....not for lack of my trying tho. We have five week terms...two courses per term for full-time students (that's me :) ) each of those courses consist of two nights per week and are 5 hours each night....and as of this term they are adding one saturday per course per term which is another 5 hours per class...that is 60 hours per course in a 5 week class...plus we are expected to do another 20 hours per course outside of regular class hours....that is a ton of work tossed in between work, being a single mom, and making it to doctors appointments for both myself and my son....and right now i am averaging a good 5 - 7 hours of doctors visits per week...plus therapy....

and i wonder why i am not getting enough sleep....LOL

well now i can look forward to even less sleep....LOL

but ya know what?? I am NOT giving up on my dream....this last term has shown me that I just might make it as a web designer....I am beginning to believe in my capabilities...to have faith in myself....to really hope that someday soon I will have my own business...and when i do have that business I am determined to make something good out of it....i want to find some way of helping others with what i know...there has to be a way....

I think things might be starting to even out again in my head....just a little bit...but once again i am starting to feel a little stronger....just a tiny bit...but that tiny bit is enough to give me hope that each day will get a little better and soon I won't be having so much trouble focusing....soon i won't have trouble finding words....soon i will be back on the road to becoming the me i want to be...the me i am anxious to know...the me i someday hope to be able to love like i do so many others....

my brain is constantly thinking these days...trying to figure out just what makes me...the way i am....and trying to figure out how to let the old me go...the sad, lonely, depressed me...and let in the hopeful, intelligent, creative, new me.....

Thursday night in class I was working on finishing up my final project...there were only three of us in class because all of the others had turned their work in earlier in the week...one of the guys came over to me and asked to see what my project looked like...i can't remember exactly what he said at first...i thought i had done something wrong...then he said, "oh man...that is so good"...i was blown away...

My instructor had been walking by often that night to see what I had done...she would say that is good...or nice color scheme and such....but I am never sure if it is really good or she is just saying that...but....towards the end of class I was still working on one last page that i wanted to finish...it was an extra page...more than was required for the assignment(i was desperate to make up for all of the late assignments and missed classes because of my brain) and she told me to just finish it up when i got a chance and add it to my folder on the network...so that she would have it for when she uses it to show the classes for the next term what she expects...

I was floored....and filled with a feeling I have never experienced before in my life....I don't know how to describe it or what to call it...all i know is it felt so good...

I have her for Photoshop starting Monday...I am so glad...because she is an excellent instructor...and she understands my limitations...and she knows I will give my schoolwork everything I have got and then some....and she really wants to see me succeed...both in school and in web design....

I have programming 1 next term as well...and that one has me the most apprehensive...it is going to require serious focus....but I am going to give it absolutely everything I have got....I am not giving up no matter how hard it gets....

okay...i think my brain has finally decided to give me a break tonight....it is 2:30 am and i am finally getting sleepy....so...no more rambling tonight....more tomorrow i am sure.....

i will be sooooooooooooooo glad when my Lamictal finally really kicks in...i need to get set on some sort of structured schedule if i hope to ever truly make it through this thing called life...

but by golly...i am glad i have a life to get through....