Optimism?

I can't sleep. It is a combination of the stress of this situation as well as the uncertainty. I must admit I am scared. What if I can't find someplace soon enough...where will we go? I need to remain positive though. We will come out of this well...I have to believe that. My poor son though is so upset...when I picked him up from work tonight and was filling him in about everything that we would be doing he said he was kind of depressed about all of it. He said Mom...this is like the 4th time we have been homeless. That broke my heart...to know that my son has and does consider us homeless. I told him Honey we have never been homeless...we have always had somewhere to go. He responded with yeah...but never a place of our own.

He has been through so much in his short life...he has never really had any true security...he has been bounced around so much...it isn't fair to him....but...hopefully this is the first big step to some stability for him for the first time. I am going to try and get him in to see a therapist sooner though...the waiting list is so long....I am going to see what I can do.

My head is pounding....I know it is stress...I need to calm down....step back and just breathe....

I need to quit smoking too though so that I CAN breathe...LOL

We will make it through this. He is very happy that we are going to be staying with Grandma Judy as he calls her....

UGH...i have SO much to do this week and not enough hours in the days to do it....I will just have to make time somehow....how I haven't quite figured out....but I will get it all accomplished and be out of here completely by Sunday.

Life...gotta laugh or i will never stop crying....

I am sooooooooooooooo angry right now. So very, very angry. My son and I are being kicked out of the house we are living in because a 21 year old man threw a temper tantrum...literally....

I am also very thankful right now for my sister...and her extended family!! Right after Earl told me...David had driven off in his little fit and wouldn't come home until Earl kicked us out....I called my sister who lives nearby and told her what was happening...she told me to hold on and she would call me back in 5 minutes....

Well she called me back in like 2 minutes and told me that her mother-in-law said that Ryan and I could stay with her until I could find some low-income housing for us. We will have to do a lot of work around her house to help her get it ready to sell but I don't care...it will keep my mind off of the rest of this BS that seems to be my life lately.

Right now my son has no clue that any of this is going on....this all went down when I got home from dropping him off at work. He won't be setting foot back in this house ever again...I have made arrangements for him to stay with my sister until I get all of our stuff moved out of the house this weekend. It is going to be a long hard week.

I have so much to do...think I better write myself out a big list here....of course I won't have the internet to check it tho....

I would love to be a fly on the way when the cable and internet are cut off tomorrow...I will have to make arrangements for the cable guy to come and get the cable box....or perhaps I will just disconnect it myself before I leave for work in the morning....I don't know....all I know is that box is in my name and I am damn sure gonna make sure it is out of this house before me....I don't trust anyone anymore....I have been burned too many times.

Between work and school and packing this week I also have to go over to my sisters mother-in-law's house(I think i'll just call her by name from now on because that is way too much typing...her name is Judy...yes Judy...Judy and Judy will be living in the same house...LOL) and paint the rooms we will be staying in...as well as clean the bathrooms and clean out the room we will store my dressers and the huge heavy mirror I have for my dresser....

There are some really good things about this move...I wanted to move anyway...but not like this....it really ticks me off because I pay rent...I always pay my rent...and just because david threw a little temper tantrum we are out...it is absolutely ridiculous...so damn childish.

Well I guess I better go finish packing up some of Ryans clothes so he has something to wear this week....have to get his bike in the car somehow too....should be fun....LOL

Just keep smiling Judy...keep smiling and remember....

~fake it til you make it~

going "home"

I find it very interesting that 2 people in the same car can have two entirely different reactions to a road sign...

As we were driving "home" this weekend, my son and I were each in our own little worlds...he had his headphones on listening to "his" music and I had my radio blaring attempting to listen to mine over his....it is a wonder the child can hear....LOL The closer we got to good ol St. Mary's County the tighter the vice grip around my chest got. What was I thinking? Why was I going back there? Oh yeah...if I wanted to get my car legally on the road I HAD to go there...goodness knows my sister was never going to do what she needed to do because it isn't important to HER.

So there I found myself driving down 234 and wishing I could just turn around and go back home...to my real home...not the home I grew up in. They say home is where the heart is...well my heart has not been there in over 2 years....and even less so since my mother died in October. I was dreading setting foot in that house....of looking in that corner for the first time since I got back...of not seeing her there....it was so hard. I know I need to get over it and move on. That is much easier said than done. As we passed the sign that reads "St. Mary's County Line" the vice got even tighter and my son got so excited. He looked at me and said "Mom, we are home. I don't care where I ever go, this will always be home." I wish I could have been more excited with him. I just wanted to run.

I wanted to run from the place that has caused me so much heartache and pain over the years. From the place where I grew up knowing that I was different. From the place where I could never do anything right. From the place that Angela and I lived and my heart was totally irreversably destroyed almost 3 years ago. From the place where I finally started to grow up last year. From the place where both of my parents died. And from the place where I first made love to her.

What a load of running I wanted to do....but I didn't run...I kept on driving. I knew I had to face all of this head on...no matter how hard it might be.

I called my little sister on the way there to let her know approximately what time we would arrive. She said, "Oh, you're coming over tonight? Well tonight is my night at Penny and George's. I won't be home. You can come over before 11 tomorrow morning if you want."

Welcome Home. I should have known that just because I had called her earlier in the week to let her know for sure that I would be there this weekend that things would be any different. Why don't I ever learn? Will I ever learn?

It hit me then...I had nowhere to go....Jackie was at work...I was dropping Ryan off with some friends because he had a huge weekend planned with all of his friends. I was alone.

I am alone.
I have noone.

and that was just the beginning...

this weekend was the loneliest weekend of my life....

sometimes I really want to just give up....and this weekend was one of those times....still do....

tired

Oh I am sooooooooo tired. Sleep is not my friend these days...it seems to be avoiding me. Of course that could have a little to do with the schedule I have no choice but to keep.

I am still having issues with the loss of a friendship but as each day passes it seems to be getting a bit easier to handle. I need to get past the anger over the entire situation. I need to really put it out there what I am feeling at the moment so that hopefully I can get past this. I am very angry with myself for letting it all affect me the way I am. ARRRRRRRRR

I do NOT deserve to be treated the way I am being treated by her at all. She gets upset about the way her family treats her (and so do I because I think it sucks they treat her the way they do) but she is treating me the same way they treat her. I didn't do a damn thing to her to make her act this way towards me. It is not fair and Dammit I deserve better.

I am sick and tired of being so pathetic and jumping at any little scrap of attention she may show. I need to stop it. Completely and totally...once and for all.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It has been a very busy week. I am exhausted but trudging along. My sugar has been on a virtual roller coaster ride and I know that is affecting my energy level as well. I have also been coming home from school every night and chatting til all hours....what can I say...I have someone to talk to and am so wired when i get home from school it is next to impossible to sleep. I am going to try and get to bed earlier tonight...we'll see what happens though.... ;)

I have also been worried about my test results from my pap test....and am praying it is nothing serious...hopefully just a fluke...but the fact that I am having so many problems has me a little apprehensive. Oh well...I just need to take it as it comes....what happens...happens....it is life.

UGH....I need to get my ass in gear and head out to school....I so totally need a nap....and I really should get to bed early tonight because i have a long day of driving ahead of me after work tomorrow....going to visit my best friend back home for the weekend....I can't wait....

busy...ness ;)

Wow...today was the beginning of a very long 5 weeks...and I have a feeling it is going to take some serious getting used to.

Had my first class for Photoshop tonight...I am going to LOVE that class. I am going to learn so much and hopefully continue to improve and explore more of the creative side of me that has been hiding somewhere all my life. I am so excited about some of the things I have been able to create. I just know there is more lurking somewhere inside of me and I fully intend to find it and share it with anyone who is willing to let me. Each day I feel a little more confident in the fact that one day I WILL be a good web designer. I am not looking to make millions (although that would be really nice *L*) , or be the best web designer....but I do intend to be the best that I can be.

I really think that my meds are starting to kick in again. I am feeling a bit more focused and had a lot less trouble completing the book assignments in class tonight.

I am beat...tomorrow is another long day....

title? hmmmm? no clue...just thoughts

I was in chat on another site tonight...the site she brought me to...and she came in...and I wasn't sure what to do...made others uncomfortable and i feel like a jerk for that...the others dwindled away and it was down to just her...and me...we discussed my leaving the board...her commenting on the fact that i haven't left yet after saying i was and about me posting so much on the board today....me defending myself and explaining that i was posting in the journals of those who have supported me since joining before i leave most likely for good as of tomorrow....it is my last weekend for at least 5 weeks where i will not be swamped with schoolwork and other stressors....she offered to leave stating that i need the support of the site more than she does...she said that she doesn't have a special woman in her life and that her bisexuality will be put on hold for a year and a half anyway so maybe she should leave....I told her that she needs the support more than I do...and it is true...she is a mess....and i am worried sick about her....and i let her know i am worried about her safety...but there is nothing i can do if she doesn't want my help...and she doesn't....

I ended up talking to her on the phone....she finally opened up to me a bit but is still pushing me away...and I could tell by her voice that she is going to continue to do so....but...before i got off the phone i let my feelings be known loud and clear that i will not give up on her...i will not turn my back on her...friends do not give up on friends no matter what....i let her know that i am fine with other aspects of our friendship being over...it is losing her friendship that hurts....i let her know in no uncertain terms that she is pushing away someone who is willing to do anything to help her through all that she is going through and she has A LOT on her plate....

I am worried about her...but i can't sit here and wait for her to let me be her friend...my decision has been made for a few days now although i don't know how well i will do staying away...i have made so many friends on that site and have enjoyed getting to know them all....and have already started missing them....not to mention i love sharing my accomplishments with them...because they all accept me for me...as is...with all my neurosis intact...i don't know how long i will be able to stay away...for now i am going to concentrate on school...my work....my son....and myself...

Speaking of school...i am a nervous wreck!!!!!!! On Monday I start back with a full course load...yes it is only two courses...but there is so much learning crammed into such a short period of time...and my brain hasn't exactly been focused much at all lately....not for lack of my trying tho. We have five week terms...two courses per term for full-time students (that's me :) ) each of those courses consist of two nights per week and are 5 hours each night....and as of this term they are adding one saturday per course per term which is another 5 hours per class...that is 60 hours per course in a 5 week class...plus we are expected to do another 20 hours per course outside of regular class hours....that is a ton of work tossed in between work, being a single mom, and making it to doctors appointments for both myself and my son....and right now i am averaging a good 5 - 7 hours of doctors visits per week...plus therapy....

and i wonder why i am not getting enough sleep....LOL

well now i can look forward to even less sleep....LOL

but ya know what?? I am NOT giving up on my dream....this last term has shown me that I just might make it as a web designer....I am beginning to believe in my capabilities...to have faith in myself....to really hope that someday soon I will have my own business...and when i do have that business I am determined to make something good out of it....i want to find some way of helping others with what i know...there has to be a way....

I think things might be starting to even out again in my head....just a little bit...but once again i am starting to feel a little stronger....just a tiny bit...but that tiny bit is enough to give me hope that each day will get a little better and soon I won't be having so much trouble focusing....soon i won't have trouble finding words....soon i will be back on the road to becoming the me i want to be...the me i am anxious to know...the me i someday hope to be able to love like i do so many others....

my brain is constantly thinking these days...trying to figure out just what makes me...the way i am....and trying to figure out how to let the old me go...the sad, lonely, depressed me...and let in the hopeful, intelligent, creative, new me.....

Thursday night in class I was working on finishing up my final project...there were only three of us in class because all of the others had turned their work in earlier in the week...one of the guys came over to me and asked to see what my project looked like...i can't remember exactly what he said at first...i thought i had done something wrong...then he said, "oh man...that is so good"...i was blown away...

My instructor had been walking by often that night to see what I had done...she would say that is good...or nice color scheme and such....but I am never sure if it is really good or she is just saying that...but....towards the end of class I was still working on one last page that i wanted to finish...it was an extra page...more than was required for the assignment(i was desperate to make up for all of the late assignments and missed classes because of my brain) and she told me to just finish it up when i got a chance and add it to my folder on the network...so that she would have it for when she uses it to show the classes for the next term what she expects...

I was floored....and filled with a feeling I have never experienced before in my life....I don't know how to describe it or what to call it...all i know is it felt so good...

I have her for Photoshop starting Monday...I am so glad...because she is an excellent instructor...and she understands my limitations...and she knows I will give my schoolwork everything I have got and then some....and she really wants to see me succeed...both in school and in web design....

I have programming 1 next term as well...and that one has me the most apprehensive...it is going to require serious focus....but I am going to give it absolutely everything I have got....I am not giving up no matter how hard it gets....

okay...i think my brain has finally decided to give me a break tonight....it is 2:30 am and i am finally getting sleepy....so...no more rambling tonight....more tomorrow i am sure.....

i will be sooooooooooooooo glad when my Lamictal finally really kicks in...i need to get set on some sort of structured schedule if i hope to ever truly make it through this thing called life...

but by golly...i am glad i have a life to get through....

Wow!

I don't know how I did it but I got a 98% on my final exam for 2D Design. Amazing...simply amazing....and so exciting considering how much I struggled to stay focused during the exam and was the very last person in the class to complete it...a good 30 minutes after everyone else....even held up the instructor's lecture I was so slow...but...I DID IT!!

Sure as heck made me feel better about some things...lifted my spirits for the night...so much so that I couldn't sleep for anything...it was nearly 5 am before I finally fell asleep....

I have a busy night ahead of me trying to finish my final project or at least getting close to finishing it....

but first...I have been thinking...what else is new it seems that is all I ever do....

anyway...I have been trying to figure out why it is that since I went off my meds things have been so much different than they ever were before in my life...

I never had manic episodes that were so severe and lasted so long....or that affected me the way it has this time...

I am wondering if perhaps the reason I have been able to be so open and have been so introspective and able to talk things out so easily is...because my mom died....

It is like I am no longer afraid....not in a physical sense....but an emotional sense....

I was raised to not talk about anything outside of the house...do never discuss anything that went on at home and was discouraged to show real emotion...of course then again I was always moody and considered a hypochondriac and chastised for showing anger or hurt...

If I were to be honest...yes at times when I was younger I would say I was sick or something in order to get attention...because when I was really sick my mom was always so loving and took care of me and just plain paid attention to me....

When my mom was sick and I was taking care of her I realised that she did the best she could by my sisters and me....because it was all she knew....I learned a lot about how life was for her growing up...and how detached her family and my fathers families really were....and as time went by the last 9 months of her life I learned to love and accept her for who she was....and tried to understand why she was the way she was when we were growing up.

I find it rather ironic that I never allowed myself to admit there was something seriously wrong with me until after she died....I disagreed with everyone who ever told me they thought I was manic depressive....my sister in the last year must have told me that about a hundred times before I had my total meltdown and gained the courage to check myself into the hospital....

It was like I finally felt free to say what was on my mind...although I still don't do that most of the time...but I am learning...but it is also like it was finally okay to do that...my mom couldn't be hurt by what I had to say anymore and I really think she is the reason I gained the courage to get help....when it gets really bad sometimes I can feel her...I don't know how to explain it...but it is like she is rooting me on...letting me know that everything is going to be okay....

It is like she is finally free herself and doesn't want me to be like she was all her life if that makes any sense.....

Before I always had really severe depressive episodes....this time the manic is more severe...could it be because I HAVE grown so much in recent months?

I don't know...not sure I ever will....

i miss me....

i miss me so much right now....

that taste of living life seems to be swiftly becoming a distant memory...

I am so close to crashing right now and it scares me....one minute I am bouncing off the walls...the next I am thinking too much and bawling so hard i can't stand it...as long as i have something to distract me i am okay....

well something besides schoolwork...because for some reason i can't motivate myself to do the work...my final exam for this class is tomorrow night...oh wait...make that tonight...and right now all i can think about is skipping school entirely...i won't though...i can't afford to....

i am still obsessing over "her"...i need to let go of this pain...this knowledge....that not only is the relationship over...but the friendship as well...and it is all because i don't know how to keep my damn mouth shut....i have to push and push and push for answers...some way of understanding what i did wrong....

i don't understand how one night we...yes we...because she felt it too...i know this not only because i felt it...but because she told me she felt it too...one night we could share the most beautiful blending of minds, bodies, spirits....and souls....and two days later...she breaks up with me so that she won't feel guilty "swinging"....

i don't understand how for 3 days we could both be miserable and then her husband sends me an email asking me to give her another chance because we are both miserable and he hates to see us hurting so....i agreed to do so....am i nuts???...well it didn't last....obviously....i would have done anything for her...i never once asked her to leave her husband or change her lifestyle.... and didn't want her to...i loved him too as an extension of her...he was a part of her...i knew about her lifestyle going in and knew i would have to deal with however it would affect me when the time would come that she would be with another woman....as it was i already knew it had happened....and dealt with it on my own...

i don't understand how she could so easily turn off her feelings...push me away....we were supposed to be friends first....we discussed it in detail before anything ever happened that no matter what we would always be friends and if something should happen and things didn't work out we would remain honest with each other and help each other through it...making sure not to lose the friendship....

i didn't just lose a lover....i lost my best friend....the one person i ever fully confided in....the one who convinced me that i could trust her...convinced me to let her in....do i regret letting her in? do i regret trusting her? NO....because no matter what I have never loved anyone like i do her....i have never felt so alive just being in someone else's presence as i did when i was with her....

will i ever love again....i honestly don't know...i am not so sure i want to....because it hurts too damn much....

and all of that is just part of what is going through this mind of mine....

i feel like i am losing my mind....

i thought of suicide today....more than once....and it got so far as a plan....and somehow...some way...i snapped myself out of it.....i have no idea how i did that...no recollection...all i know is i did....and i am hoping beyond hope that if it happens again i will be able to do the same....

i am so on edge all the time right now....so angry....it is like this huge dark force inside me is just screaming to get out....scratching, clawing, tearing me apart from the inside....so violent....so evil...God i pray that things even out soon....

i miss me....
i miss the me i was becoming...
i was actually beginning to like me for once...
i actually felt okay being around me....
right now i wish I could ignore me...avoid me...
extinguish me....
at least this part of me that isn't me...
is it?

????

more anger....for no reason....I just don't understand....i am not usually an angry person at all...but for the last couple of days I am so on edge and so angry and wanting to hit something so hard and so bad....or someone...i don't like feeling this way...not at all....

my boss kept telling me to breathe today....i told him...i would much rather stop breathing all together.....

he said that is the easy way out...and i said...duhhhh....and your point?...he laughed....at least i made him laugh....

anger??

it has been a weird day today and i really wish i could understand it....

i have been so angry...so irritable today...for no reason.

i don't like when i get this way...my poor son caught the brunt of it and all because he asked me for a ride to the movies...

i damn near bit his head off....

i hate when i put that look of hurt and confusion in his eyes...he truly deserves so much better...i often wonder if i have passed this horrible curse on to him...i am sure i have...i have him on a waiting list to get evaluated....God I pray I haven't done more to hurt him....he didn't choose to have me as a mother...and he certainly deserves to have someone better for a mom....

God I love him so much...

he will be leaving me soon...and i am scared...i worry about what will happen to him...will someone be there for him? will he be able to take care of himself? have i taught him well enough to survive in this world??

i wish he didn't feel the need to move so very far away....and i pray that he won't forget me...irrational feeling i know....but he hasn't exactly had the best life....and i am so scared what freedom will do to him...he is such a follower and so trusting of everyone....i am terrified i will lose him....

i suppose all i can do is hope...and pray...that he will be okay.....

on having bipolar disorder....

funny...all my life i knew i was different...in very many ways....

i am an extremely emotional person...my emotions tend to rule every aspect of my life and always have....however...i wasn't diagnosed until October of last year...and was only properly diagnosed because i had a total meltdown after the death of my mother.

i am fortunate in that i have never really had a full-blown manic episode where i completely and totally lose my mind...most of my mania has fallen into the category of moderate mania and therefore i have always been able to function fully for the most part.

my depressive episodes however are an entirely different matter...

i have attempted suicide on 3 different occassions...and at the time i was upset that i hadn't succeeded....but now i look back and am thankful i ddn't...

I am NOT bipolar...I have bipolar disorder...I am not the illness....the illness only affects me and my life experiences....

How do I feel about having this illness?

at times...i hate it....especially when I am unable to focus or concentrate because my mind is racing so bad that i lose track of what i am doing/thinking/saying.....

i have been thinking about this question quite a bit lately...because i was recently taken of my meds for a short period of time and for the first time in my life came to realise the importance and signifigance of staying on my meds....and in therapy....in the past i would take myself off whatever medication a doctor would prescribe for my depression as soon as i started to feel better thinking that it was gone and i could handle whatever came my way....i hate taking medication...not to mention i am very good at forgetting to take medication...

Once I was properly diagnosed and placed on the correct medication a whole new world gradually began to unfold for me...i noticed so many things i had never noticed before...all of my senses seemed to have heightened (mind you going off my meds recently helped me to become even more aware of this little tidbit)...i started to really feel what it is like to be alive....

If someone had asked me that question even a couple of months ago I would have quickly replied...i hate it...why me....why can't i be normal....

I still wish i was normal...but i also very much appreciate certain aspects of my illness....

I have been to the darkest, lowest, deafeningly silent places imaginable in my life...i have injured myself on purpose in order to feel something other than dead inside...i have tried to take my own life....

yet i survived....and i never want to go back there again...

and now...i know...that no matter how truly awful something may feel...it is only temporary...things could most certainly be worse...and they have been...

is my depression gone? most definitely not...it never will be...and i am learning to cope with it in positive ways rather than self-destructive ways....it will remain a part of who i am for as long as I am alive...but by taking my meds, sticking with therapy, and appreciating it for what it is...a part of who I am...i hope to never feel it so strong ever again....

i am beginning to consider myself fortunate in the fact that i have this illness because i have a much deeper appreciation of life. i see things in color now and not black and white...

everything is brighter...more open...hopeful....

not...

dark...deafening...desolate....or hopeless....

I actually feel free.....